Reflection

Being vulnerable and displaying my emotions is something that I got very used to not doing, because I used to do it all the time and I used to cry a lot. I didn't like being seen as weak, so got used to keeping everything in and only letting emotions that display positive energy show on the surface. Since being here, I have let down some of that wall that I've built around my feelings, and some of it has been broken down by external forces. When I first got here, I was really good at maintaining that wall and not letting things show, and I've gotten progressively worse at hiding my feelings. This is positive because other people can see that I am actually human- not a robot- and I do have feelings. However, I don't like being vulnerable and I was really upset with myself for crying in front of my team today.

Today was a very difficult and emotional day. We began with a remembrance of September 11, 2001 in which we watched a video that played media coverage from the day. It was so heartbreaking to relive it, and I had actually seen all of this coverage before. When I was in 5th grade, my teacher heard the news and turned the TV on in the library. The 5th and 6th graders watched it, and I remember one person saying, "That tower is going to collapse in on itself. The steel is strong but when it gets hot, it is going to melt and just fall down." I didn't know how he knew so much about buildings because we were only 5th graders, but it made sense. I still looked at him in horror when we watched it happen on the TV.
We learned that day about World Trade Centers, and what they were. We were taught about the Pentagon. I had never heard of it before that day. We were taught was the word 'terrorist' meant, and I didn't understand why someone or a group of people would target someone or something else. But it made me want to learn more and lit a fire inside of me that got me to where I am today. The September 11, 2001 attacks are the driving force behind my desire and ambition to become a diplomat and work to increase and strengthen relationships between the United States and other countries, nations, and states. I don't know if I've ever told anyone why I got interested in the political world, but now you know.

Anyway, revisiting that at 8:00 this morning was difficult. That video was intense, and with my strong memory it just made me revisit the same feelings that I had 12 years ago. The second video we watched was inspiring, and motivating. It was how 9/11 got turned into a day of service, a day to do good and bring positivity, and spread good deeds throughout the nation. We talked about the things we are going to do this year to bring positivity to our teams and how we want to better society. It was motivating and heartwarming to hear everyone's goals.

My next big emotional wave was during diversity training. If you haven't heard of a privilege walk, I recommend that you turn to your favorite search engine and type it in. It was probably the most difficult exercise I have gone through. We did this during TLT, but it was so much harder during CTI. I really love this activity, but my biggest struggle today was seeing my team spread out, and space being created between each team member over factors that were completely out of our control. I wanted to bring everyone together and let them know that we are going to be a strong team no matter what, and I am here to support them through their struggles and their triumphs, but I couldn't. I just had to keep looking around at them. I felt an insane amount of guilt, because I ended up far more towards the more privileged side than I expected to. I wanted to change it, but I couldn't, and it made me really frustrated that I was separated from my peers. Of course, in the end, we got to sit as a team and talk about the activity, and I got to bring everyone together and have the positive conversations that I wanted, and remind everyone that we are all here. Even if it is for different reasons, we're here together and we will work together to achieve a common goal. And we did find the beauty in the activity, and even though there are both visible and invisible differences, we did find and will continue to find common ground.

Today made me reflect a lot upon my own life. I feel incredibly blessed and thankful. I know that my life was not without struggles and it was not without sacrifice, and my parents have probably made sacrifices that I can't even fathom, and I have had an incredible family that has supported and continues to support me. I am so appreciative of the things that make me who I am. We talked about that today too, what our identifiers are and what we think makes us who we are. I am so grateful for my education, and the house I grew up in, the relationships I've had with family and friends, associations I've had, sports I've played, everything I've been able to do and had access to. I just feel so overwhelmed and fortunate at the same time and I don't know how to put into words the amount of gratitude I feel towards my parents and grandparents, and other family, for being my providers, my supporters, and my encouragement.
But the things that I've been fortunate to have are also the reason why I am here. I started looking into a year of service because I wanted to do something bigger than myself and something that is not for myself and 100% for someone else. I've had many privileges in my life and I have had many things that others don't have, and I don't want to just expect that all the time. I want to realize and learn and understand the hardships that people go through, and after a disaster those can be heavily increased. I've never even experienced a disaster that has taken something away from me. I just want to give back to society and keep paying forward the things that have been handed to me. I want to work harder and I want to feel like I earn the things that I get.

Because this post really came from something deeper within me, I didn't edit it for errors or sentence structure. I want my thoughts and feelings to be portrayed and because I have been dealing with many emotions, I want to keep that atmosphere as real as possible. I know I am being vulnerable and I might not come off as the strongest of people, but I am okay with that. Despite the heavy emotions I went through today, I feel like it was a positive experience and I appreciate everything that happened today. I really enjoyed everything. Even if in the moment I was uncomfortable, I feel like today was a great experience for my team and we all learned from each other. I loved the conversations we shared and the self-reflection and looking deeper into myself part of it all. I am ready to move forward and use the things I learned today to strengthen my relationships within my team, and remember and appreciate the people who got me to where I am right now.