Camp. Work. Play.

The photo above is me, shoveling a driveway (obviously). It has significance because it was the first time I had shoveled a driveway. I was 21 years old. It was the first time I had done any "work" outdoors. I'm sure I've helped move things here and there but I haven't really been very productive in the yard throughout my life.

This photo is from the only time I actually REMEMBER camping. I went when I was 17 with my friend Paige and her family. We slept in her car (Chevy Blazer) and I don't remember what we ate or how - but someone probably cooked it for us and served it to us. We didn't do much work. In fact, THIS is how I felt about camping, before this past week happened.

This past week changed my life. I know, it sounds dramatic. But it really did. We left last Sunday for Camp Lake Stevens in Oxford, MS, 4 hours north of Vicksburg. We stayed in fully air conditioned cabins with clean, functioning bathrooms - for free. But what we all know in life is that nothing is free. In exchange for our stay and use of the facilities, we were asked to do projects around the camp. Teams were split into different sites and spent a full day doing work. My team was assigned to build a cross-tie retaining wall. The group who did it before us started it, and we had a couple pieces of the wall and some ground dug out. We spent the rest of the day digging more, leveling the ground, leveling the cross-tie beams, drilling huge holes, hammering (with sledge hammers), and building the walls. It was so satisfying to see a job so close to finished at the end of the day (the group after us finished it off), and to know we went well beyond their expectations felt awesome. My hands hurt, I was sweating more than I ever thought possible, I was covered in bruises, but I felt so good. We had just accomplished a huge task that helped out the camp, and found out that they would be filling the space with fig trees and blueberry trees. How awesome is that?!

The next day wasn't labor, it was team-building. Still a lot of work, but a different type. We did a ropes course at Ole' Miss. The low ropes stuff was mediocre, but the high ropes was awesome. I climbed a utility pole (it had small steps on it) to walk across a catwalk beam that was suspended in the air and didn't hold on to anything, and from there I walked across a rope that had ropes hanging over it to balance with. All in the air! It was pretty terrifying, but awesome. I also did this thing called the flying squirrel. You're harnessed in, and there is a team of people behind you who are harnessed to the rope too. They run as fast as they can away from you, and you get pulled into the air and feel like you're flying. It was the most fun I had that day. The next one was another utility pole to climb, but then you have to stand on top of it, and jump off to try to reach a trapeze. I made it up, but couldn't stand up. My left leg was bent, foot on top of the pole. My right leg was straight, on one of the peg steps. I was shaking. I did not think I could stand, because I had to put all of my weight on my left leg to straighten it out. Everyone was telling me I could do it and trying to cheer me on, but I needed to think for a second. I was walking myself through the process, and knew that I had to straighten my upper body before I could stand. As I started to straighten my spine and lift my chest/shoulders, muscle memory kicked in and I realized that I have stood on someone's hand, so I could stand on the top of the pole. I counted it out 1, 2 - 3, 4 - 5, 6, (bounce on 7), (stand on 8). Left lib, stand on both feet, and suddenly I just applied cheerleading to a high ropes course. It was awesome. We ended the day with a zipline into the sunset, which sounds just as cliche as it felt, and we all went back to camp tired and hungry, but feeling pretty good about ourselves. 

Day 3 was departing at 6am to Camp Gray. I woke up at 4:45, hadn't slept much at all in the past week, and was suuuper cranky (sorry, team). But I tried really hard and managed (for the most part) to keep myself together and focus on getting everything ready and departing on time. We got to camp gray, had a class, and then got started on our next round of physical labor (things aren't free, especially use of campgrounds, remember?) So we got all of our tools and got to work clearing a bunch of trees and brush and invasive species. IT. WAS. AWESOME. I have no idea why it was the highlight of my trip, but it felt SO GOOD. I didn't mind the spiders and walking into webs, and I didn't mind the gallons of sweat pouring from my body. I honestly loved it. I had really cool (I use that term loosely) yellow safety goggles and steel-toed boots. And I had SO. MUCH. FUN.

I was exhausted. I slept in a tent, without a mat under me, in a sleeping bag on the ground. And it was the best night of sleep I have had since coming to Mississippi. I slept a solid 9 hours, and didn't wake up to anything in the middle of the night. I woke up feeling like a whole new person, and I was a million kinds of happy. 

Camping was pretty cool. Cooking was a challenge and keeping food fresh was hard, and we couldn't keep a lot of food so I had to shop a lot, so that was annoying. But really, it wasn't all bad and I didn't really mind it overall. We had a lot of people to help with everything, our STLs did a lot of the ops and I had money to keep us fed, and we were luxury camping at Camp Lake Stevens. But I definitely have a new outlook on it, and a new appreciation for manual labor and those who do it on a regular basis. OH that reminds me. Other than that time I shoveled a driveway at 21, this was the first experience I've had doing physical/manual labor. We wore long pants, long sleeves, steel boots, and gloves in the Mississippi summer heat and humidity in the middle of the day. And I would definitely do it again. I don't know why I loved it so much, but I had a great time and I'm even more excited excited that I'm TL of a mixed team that includes logistics specialists. It's going to be a great year, and it keeps getting better every day.

International Day of Peace

International Day of Peace is a day to remind us to be mindful of the UN's efforts to increase peace and equality in the world, and their efforts to achieve their long-term goals. According to the resolution which created this day in 1981, it is “…to devote a specific time to concentrate the efforts of the United Nations and its Member States, as well as the whole of mankind, to promoting the ideals of peace and to giving positive evidence of their commitment to peace in all viable ways.”

I just want you to be aware of this day. I can also a time to remind yourself what peace means to you, and to try to do some act of good or kindness. It doesn't have to be on a large scale, it can be even increasing peace within yourself, by way of meditation, a hug with a loved one, or a smile at a stranger - there aren't limits because peace means something different to everyone. I don't want to argue whether world peace is an achievable goal, and I don't want to tell you what peace means, but I do ask that today you be mindful of others, and remember that everyone fights battles, and it doesn't matter what it is, it's still a struggle for them. You have your own trials and your own triumphs, and sometimes it only takes a smile or other friendly gesture to turn someone's day around. You might not be successful, but you can try.

I want to make a big difference in the world. I don't know what difference that is, so in the meantime my goal is to positively impact one person's life. I don't know who that person is, so I try to remember to treat everyone as if they are that one person. I'm not very good at it yet, because I still have days when I wake up on the wrong side of the bed or get frustrated at stupid things and impatient with the world around me. But as long as I continue to try, I'll continue to get better at it. I don't know exactly how I'm trying to do it, but I have started by trying to smile at people, or let the car behind me pass the 15p on the highway, or let the person who got to the Starbuck's line at the exact same time as me go first. I don't know what will make a difference, but I think starting small is the best idea.
Oh- and I almost forgot. It has to start with yourself first. I was given a journal by my mom a couple years ago with a story attached to it, called 100 days of gratitude. I followed through and for about 100 days, I found one thing every day that I was thankful for. Sometimes it was really deep, sometimes I felt like I was thankful for a million things and other days were tough and I was thankful that I woke up that morning. But I the things I remember the most were the things that other people did for me and the way other people made me feel.

Peace doesn't have to be international. It can start on a much smaller scale and a lot closer to home. Anyone can take small actions to promote kindness and remove negativity. In honor of International Day of Peace, I ask you to give it a try.

Reflection

Being vulnerable and displaying my emotions is something that I got very used to not doing, because I used to do it all the time and I used to cry a lot. I didn't like being seen as weak, so got used to keeping everything in and only letting emotions that display positive energy show on the surface. Since being here, I have let down some of that wall that I've built around my feelings, and some of it has been broken down by external forces. When I first got here, I was really good at maintaining that wall and not letting things show, and I've gotten progressively worse at hiding my feelings. This is positive because other people can see that I am actually human- not a robot- and I do have feelings. However, I don't like being vulnerable and I was really upset with myself for crying in front of my team today.

Today was a very difficult and emotional day. We began with a remembrance of September 11, 2001 in which we watched a video that played media coverage from the day. It was so heartbreaking to relive it, and I had actually seen all of this coverage before. When I was in 5th grade, my teacher heard the news and turned the TV on in the library. The 5th and 6th graders watched it, and I remember one person saying, "That tower is going to collapse in on itself. The steel is strong but when it gets hot, it is going to melt and just fall down." I didn't know how he knew so much about buildings because we were only 5th graders, but it made sense. I still looked at him in horror when we watched it happen on the TV.
We learned that day about World Trade Centers, and what they were. We were taught about the Pentagon. I had never heard of it before that day. We were taught was the word 'terrorist' meant, and I didn't understand why someone or a group of people would target someone or something else. But it made me want to learn more and lit a fire inside of me that got me to where I am today. The September 11, 2001 attacks are the driving force behind my desire and ambition to become a diplomat and work to increase and strengthen relationships between the United States and other countries, nations, and states. I don't know if I've ever told anyone why I got interested in the political world, but now you know.

Anyway, revisiting that at 8:00 this morning was difficult. That video was intense, and with my strong memory it just made me revisit the same feelings that I had 12 years ago. The second video we watched was inspiring, and motivating. It was how 9/11 got turned into a day of service, a day to do good and bring positivity, and spread good deeds throughout the nation. We talked about the things we are going to do this year to bring positivity to our teams and how we want to better society. It was motivating and heartwarming to hear everyone's goals.

My next big emotional wave was during diversity training. If you haven't heard of a privilege walk, I recommend that you turn to your favorite search engine and type it in. It was probably the most difficult exercise I have gone through. We did this during TLT, but it was so much harder during CTI. I really love this activity, but my biggest struggle today was seeing my team spread out, and space being created between each team member over factors that were completely out of our control. I wanted to bring everyone together and let them know that we are going to be a strong team no matter what, and I am here to support them through their struggles and their triumphs, but I couldn't. I just had to keep looking around at them. I felt an insane amount of guilt, because I ended up far more towards the more privileged side than I expected to. I wanted to change it, but I couldn't, and it made me really frustrated that I was separated from my peers. Of course, in the end, we got to sit as a team and talk about the activity, and I got to bring everyone together and have the positive conversations that I wanted, and remind everyone that we are all here. Even if it is for different reasons, we're here together and we will work together to achieve a common goal. And we did find the beauty in the activity, and even though there are both visible and invisible differences, we did find and will continue to find common ground.

Today made me reflect a lot upon my own life. I feel incredibly blessed and thankful. I know that my life was not without struggles and it was not without sacrifice, and my parents have probably made sacrifices that I can't even fathom, and I have had an incredible family that has supported and continues to support me. I am so appreciative of the things that make me who I am. We talked about that today too, what our identifiers are and what we think makes us who we are. I am so grateful for my education, and the house I grew up in, the relationships I've had with family and friends, associations I've had, sports I've played, everything I've been able to do and had access to. I just feel so overwhelmed and fortunate at the same time and I don't know how to put into words the amount of gratitude I feel towards my parents and grandparents, and other family, for being my providers, my supporters, and my encouragement.
But the things that I've been fortunate to have are also the reason why I am here. I started looking into a year of service because I wanted to do something bigger than myself and something that is not for myself and 100% for someone else. I've had many privileges in my life and I have had many things that others don't have, and I don't want to just expect that all the time. I want to realize and learn and understand the hardships that people go through, and after a disaster those can be heavily increased. I've never even experienced a disaster that has taken something away from me. I just want to give back to society and keep paying forward the things that have been handed to me. I want to work harder and I want to feel like I earn the things that I get.

Because this post really came from something deeper within me, I didn't edit it for errors or sentence structure. I want my thoughts and feelings to be portrayed and because I have been dealing with many emotions, I want to keep that atmosphere as real as possible. I know I am being vulnerable and I might not come off as the strongest of people, but I am okay with that. Despite the heavy emotions I went through today, I feel like it was a positive experience and I appreciate everything that happened today. I really enjoyed everything. Even if in the moment I was uncomfortable, I feel like today was a great experience for my team and we all learned from each other. I loved the conversations we shared and the self-reflection and looking deeper into myself part of it all. I am ready to move forward and use the things I learned today to strengthen my relationships within my team, and remember and appreciate the people who got me to where I am right now.