Camp. Work. Play.

The photo above is me, shoveling a driveway (obviously). It has significance because it was the first time I had shoveled a driveway. I was 21 years old. It was the first time I had done any "work" outdoors. I'm sure I've helped move things here and there but I haven't really been very productive in the yard throughout my life.

This photo is from the only time I actually REMEMBER camping. I went when I was 17 with my friend Paige and her family. We slept in her car (Chevy Blazer) and I don't remember what we ate or how - but someone probably cooked it for us and served it to us. We didn't do much work. In fact, THIS is how I felt about camping, before this past week happened.

This past week changed my life. I know, it sounds dramatic. But it really did. We left last Sunday for Camp Lake Stevens in Oxford, MS, 4 hours north of Vicksburg. We stayed in fully air conditioned cabins with clean, functioning bathrooms - for free. But what we all know in life is that nothing is free. In exchange for our stay and use of the facilities, we were asked to do projects around the camp. Teams were split into different sites and spent a full day doing work. My team was assigned to build a cross-tie retaining wall. The group who did it before us started it, and we had a couple pieces of the wall and some ground dug out. We spent the rest of the day digging more, leveling the ground, leveling the cross-tie beams, drilling huge holes, hammering (with sledge hammers), and building the walls. It was so satisfying to see a job so close to finished at the end of the day (the group after us finished it off), and to know we went well beyond their expectations felt awesome. My hands hurt, I was sweating more than I ever thought possible, I was covered in bruises, but I felt so good. We had just accomplished a huge task that helped out the camp, and found out that they would be filling the space with fig trees and blueberry trees. How awesome is that?!

The next day wasn't labor, it was team-building. Still a lot of work, but a different type. We did a ropes course at Ole' Miss. The low ropes stuff was mediocre, but the high ropes was awesome. I climbed a utility pole (it had small steps on it) to walk across a catwalk beam that was suspended in the air and didn't hold on to anything, and from there I walked across a rope that had ropes hanging over it to balance with. All in the air! It was pretty terrifying, but awesome. I also did this thing called the flying squirrel. You're harnessed in, and there is a team of people behind you who are harnessed to the rope too. They run as fast as they can away from you, and you get pulled into the air and feel like you're flying. It was the most fun I had that day. The next one was another utility pole to climb, but then you have to stand on top of it, and jump off to try to reach a trapeze. I made it up, but couldn't stand up. My left leg was bent, foot on top of the pole. My right leg was straight, on one of the peg steps. I was shaking. I did not think I could stand, because I had to put all of my weight on my left leg to straighten it out. Everyone was telling me I could do it and trying to cheer me on, but I needed to think for a second. I was walking myself through the process, and knew that I had to straighten my upper body before I could stand. As I started to straighten my spine and lift my chest/shoulders, muscle memory kicked in and I realized that I have stood on someone's hand, so I could stand on the top of the pole. I counted it out 1, 2 - 3, 4 - 5, 6, (bounce on 7), (stand on 8). Left lib, stand on both feet, and suddenly I just applied cheerleading to a high ropes course. It was awesome. We ended the day with a zipline into the sunset, which sounds just as cliche as it felt, and we all went back to camp tired and hungry, but feeling pretty good about ourselves. 

Day 3 was departing at 6am to Camp Gray. I woke up at 4:45, hadn't slept much at all in the past week, and was suuuper cranky (sorry, team). But I tried really hard and managed (for the most part) to keep myself together and focus on getting everything ready and departing on time. We got to camp gray, had a class, and then got started on our next round of physical labor (things aren't free, especially use of campgrounds, remember?) So we got all of our tools and got to work clearing a bunch of trees and brush and invasive species. IT. WAS. AWESOME. I have no idea why it was the highlight of my trip, but it felt SO GOOD. I didn't mind the spiders and walking into webs, and I didn't mind the gallons of sweat pouring from my body. I honestly loved it. I had really cool (I use that term loosely) yellow safety goggles and steel-toed boots. And I had SO. MUCH. FUN.

I was exhausted. I slept in a tent, without a mat under me, in a sleeping bag on the ground. And it was the best night of sleep I have had since coming to Mississippi. I slept a solid 9 hours, and didn't wake up to anything in the middle of the night. I woke up feeling like a whole new person, and I was a million kinds of happy. 

Camping was pretty cool. Cooking was a challenge and keeping food fresh was hard, and we couldn't keep a lot of food so I had to shop a lot, so that was annoying. But really, it wasn't all bad and I didn't really mind it overall. We had a lot of people to help with everything, our STLs did a lot of the ops and I had money to keep us fed, and we were luxury camping at Camp Lake Stevens. But I definitely have a new outlook on it, and a new appreciation for manual labor and those who do it on a regular basis. OH that reminds me. Other than that time I shoveled a driveway at 21, this was the first experience I've had doing physical/manual labor. We wore long pants, long sleeves, steel boots, and gloves in the Mississippi summer heat and humidity in the middle of the day. And I would definitely do it again. I don't know why I loved it so much, but I had a great time and I'm even more excited excited that I'm TL of a mixed team that includes logistics specialists. It's going to be a great year, and it keeps getting better every day.

International Day of Peace

International Day of Peace is a day to remind us to be mindful of the UN's efforts to increase peace and equality in the world, and their efforts to achieve their long-term goals. According to the resolution which created this day in 1981, it is “…to devote a specific time to concentrate the efforts of the United Nations and its Member States, as well as the whole of mankind, to promoting the ideals of peace and to giving positive evidence of their commitment to peace in all viable ways.”

I just want you to be aware of this day. I can also a time to remind yourself what peace means to you, and to try to do some act of good or kindness. It doesn't have to be on a large scale, it can be even increasing peace within yourself, by way of meditation, a hug with a loved one, or a smile at a stranger - there aren't limits because peace means something different to everyone. I don't want to argue whether world peace is an achievable goal, and I don't want to tell you what peace means, but I do ask that today you be mindful of others, and remember that everyone fights battles, and it doesn't matter what it is, it's still a struggle for them. You have your own trials and your own triumphs, and sometimes it only takes a smile or other friendly gesture to turn someone's day around. You might not be successful, but you can try.

I want to make a big difference in the world. I don't know what difference that is, so in the meantime my goal is to positively impact one person's life. I don't know who that person is, so I try to remember to treat everyone as if they are that one person. I'm not very good at it yet, because I still have days when I wake up on the wrong side of the bed or get frustrated at stupid things and impatient with the world around me. But as long as I continue to try, I'll continue to get better at it. I don't know exactly how I'm trying to do it, but I have started by trying to smile at people, or let the car behind me pass the 15p on the highway, or let the person who got to the Starbuck's line at the exact same time as me go first. I don't know what will make a difference, but I think starting small is the best idea.
Oh- and I almost forgot. It has to start with yourself first. I was given a journal by my mom a couple years ago with a story attached to it, called 100 days of gratitude. I followed through and for about 100 days, I found one thing every day that I was thankful for. Sometimes it was really deep, sometimes I felt like I was thankful for a million things and other days were tough and I was thankful that I woke up that morning. But I the things I remember the most were the things that other people did for me and the way other people made me feel.

Peace doesn't have to be international. It can start on a much smaller scale and a lot closer to home. Anyone can take small actions to promote kindness and remove negativity. In honor of International Day of Peace, I ask you to give it a try.

Reflection

Being vulnerable and displaying my emotions is something that I got very used to not doing, because I used to do it all the time and I used to cry a lot. I didn't like being seen as weak, so got used to keeping everything in and only letting emotions that display positive energy show on the surface. Since being here, I have let down some of that wall that I've built around my feelings, and some of it has been broken down by external forces. When I first got here, I was really good at maintaining that wall and not letting things show, and I've gotten progressively worse at hiding my feelings. This is positive because other people can see that I am actually human- not a robot- and I do have feelings. However, I don't like being vulnerable and I was really upset with myself for crying in front of my team today.

Today was a very difficult and emotional day. We began with a remembrance of September 11, 2001 in which we watched a video that played media coverage from the day. It was so heartbreaking to relive it, and I had actually seen all of this coverage before. When I was in 5th grade, my teacher heard the news and turned the TV on in the library. The 5th and 6th graders watched it, and I remember one person saying, "That tower is going to collapse in on itself. The steel is strong but when it gets hot, it is going to melt and just fall down." I didn't know how he knew so much about buildings because we were only 5th graders, but it made sense. I still looked at him in horror when we watched it happen on the TV.
We learned that day about World Trade Centers, and what they were. We were taught about the Pentagon. I had never heard of it before that day. We were taught was the word 'terrorist' meant, and I didn't understand why someone or a group of people would target someone or something else. But it made me want to learn more and lit a fire inside of me that got me to where I am today. The September 11, 2001 attacks are the driving force behind my desire and ambition to become a diplomat and work to increase and strengthen relationships between the United States and other countries, nations, and states. I don't know if I've ever told anyone why I got interested in the political world, but now you know.

Anyway, revisiting that at 8:00 this morning was difficult. That video was intense, and with my strong memory it just made me revisit the same feelings that I had 12 years ago. The second video we watched was inspiring, and motivating. It was how 9/11 got turned into a day of service, a day to do good and bring positivity, and spread good deeds throughout the nation. We talked about the things we are going to do this year to bring positivity to our teams and how we want to better society. It was motivating and heartwarming to hear everyone's goals.

My next big emotional wave was during diversity training. If you haven't heard of a privilege walk, I recommend that you turn to your favorite search engine and type it in. It was probably the most difficult exercise I have gone through. We did this during TLT, but it was so much harder during CTI. I really love this activity, but my biggest struggle today was seeing my team spread out, and space being created between each team member over factors that were completely out of our control. I wanted to bring everyone together and let them know that we are going to be a strong team no matter what, and I am here to support them through their struggles and their triumphs, but I couldn't. I just had to keep looking around at them. I felt an insane amount of guilt, because I ended up far more towards the more privileged side than I expected to. I wanted to change it, but I couldn't, and it made me really frustrated that I was separated from my peers. Of course, in the end, we got to sit as a team and talk about the activity, and I got to bring everyone together and have the positive conversations that I wanted, and remind everyone that we are all here. Even if it is for different reasons, we're here together and we will work together to achieve a common goal. And we did find the beauty in the activity, and even though there are both visible and invisible differences, we did find and will continue to find common ground.

Today made me reflect a lot upon my own life. I feel incredibly blessed and thankful. I know that my life was not without struggles and it was not without sacrifice, and my parents have probably made sacrifices that I can't even fathom, and I have had an incredible family that has supported and continues to support me. I am so appreciative of the things that make me who I am. We talked about that today too, what our identifiers are and what we think makes us who we are. I am so grateful for my education, and the house I grew up in, the relationships I've had with family and friends, associations I've had, sports I've played, everything I've been able to do and had access to. I just feel so overwhelmed and fortunate at the same time and I don't know how to put into words the amount of gratitude I feel towards my parents and grandparents, and other family, for being my providers, my supporters, and my encouragement.
But the things that I've been fortunate to have are also the reason why I am here. I started looking into a year of service because I wanted to do something bigger than myself and something that is not for myself and 100% for someone else. I've had many privileges in my life and I have had many things that others don't have, and I don't want to just expect that all the time. I want to realize and learn and understand the hardships that people go through, and after a disaster those can be heavily increased. I've never even experienced a disaster that has taken something away from me. I just want to give back to society and keep paying forward the things that have been handed to me. I want to work harder and I want to feel like I earn the things that I get.

Because this post really came from something deeper within me, I didn't edit it for errors or sentence structure. I want my thoughts and feelings to be portrayed and because I have been dealing with many emotions, I want to keep that atmosphere as real as possible. I know I am being vulnerable and I might not come off as the strongest of people, but I am okay with that. Despite the heavy emotions I went through today, I feel like it was a positive experience and I appreciate everything that happened today. I really enjoyed everything. Even if in the moment I was uncomfortable, I feel like today was a great experience for my team and we all learned from each other. I loved the conversations we shared and the self-reflection and looking deeper into myself part of it all. I am ready to move forward and use the things I learned today to strengthen my relationships within my team, and remember and appreciate the people who got me to where I am right now.

Time.

This past weekend I went to New Orleans, and on our way home we stopped at one of our fellow TL's houses for some home-cooked southern food and good conversation. This house had clocks. A grandmother clock. A mantel clock. A skeleton movement clock. They all made beautiful noises, and they all reminded me of my Dad and my home. But they also reminded me of time.

Time somehow not only manages to slip away from you while here at NCCC, but it also seems to consume you while you're also consuming it. You never have enough, and you're always completely absorbed in it. Time is a strange concept. That's all it is, a perception and a concept. It passes differently to each person and sometimes seems to be moving so slowly, or sometimes too quickly. It's standardized on a clock, but not in our heads. But it's also something people never stop thinking about. I know it never leaves my head. I find myself saying, "I have time." or, "I don't have time."I even say, "I need a minute." or ask, "Do you have a minute?" or, "How much time do I have?" "What time do you want this by?" and "What time should I be there?" come out of my mouth daily. I know I have x amount of minutes before my next scheduled activity or event, and I plan everything, practically down to the second. Perhaps I should try being present in the exact moment I am in, and stop thinking about how much time I have. Because really, all I have is time, and it's going to keep consuming me if I don't try to slow it down and make the most of each moment.

There's an update in the works on my past 25 days. It's been quite the ride, and I just want to let you know that I'm still here.

Frustration. Flexibility. FEMA.

I am FEMA Flexible. I am FEMA Flexible. I am FEMA Flexible. I am FEMA Flexible. I. AM. FEMA. FLEXIBLE. 

If I say it enough, it'll be true, right?

More like if I type it enough, it starts to look like a foreign word. Anyway, yesterday was our first interaction with FEMA. We went to Baton Rouge, LA to the FEMA JFO (Joint Field Office) for our equipment issuing. Each person received (or was supposed to receive) a Smartphone (AT&T Blackberry), a Laptop (Dell), and a little thing that connects us securely to Wi-Fi. We all waited in a room and went in two at a time and got our equipment. Then we were sent to another room to get everything activated, registered, and set up. After waiting for over an hour and a half, probably closer to two, and being back in forth on the phone with the helpdesk company and getting new passwords, someone finally listened to me that I couldn't log in to my computer. It turns out that it was a network issue where I was sitting, and nothing to do with the passwording that they told me was the problem. The only reason that this was frustrating was because it happened to someone who was sitting a couple places away from me and they moved him to a new location and got him going. As I was sitting there watching other people finish all of the processes, I wasn't even close to starting. My biggest fear at that point was that everyone was going to be waiting for me at the end, tired and hungry, and I wouldn't be able to leave yet so they'd be waiting on me. This ended up being mostly true. I don't feel like explaining all of the problems individually, especially since it will make me re-live the stresses of it all, but it shouldn't have taken 5 hours to complete these tasks. I actually still haven't finished, because I couldn't get my Wi-Fi connector set up with my computer and we had to leave. I'll sit down over the weekend and try again. It was extremely difficult to stay composed and calm, but I definitely shut down for a while and didn't want to talk to anyone. I'm not really proud of the fact that I let my frustration take over but I also didn't have anywhere to direct it. I feel like that might happen again and I need to handle it differently next time. However, when we go through and do this with our corps members, I am going to go back with the attitude that it is a different day and there is potential that they took the time to work out the kinks.

I would also like to mention that Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays are our PT days. Since we left at 5:30am, we didn't do morning PT, so we were supposed to do it when we returned. We got back at 8pm. Hats off to those who played basketball in the sweltering gym, but I wasn't about to push myself any harder. Nicole guided me through an outstanding yoga session, which felt great on my body and my mind. I felt so much better and it was a perfect way to release all of the negative energy from the day. I hope to keep up with it a little bit, because it was incredibly healing and refreshing. 

Now after that, lets get positive. Today was supervisor training, which we will continue tomorrow. We had an amazing instructor and I loved everything he had to say and everything he taught us. It wasn't only good advice and information and tools for being a team leader, but they are things that can be used anywhere in life. If you have 20 minutes, watch this video here, I think that these lessons will stick with me. It is a Ted Talk video, which I already love and I hadn't seen this one before. I highly recommend that you check it out. We learned a lot about situational leadership and adapting our leadership styles. I'll do a full update after its all over but I really enjoyed it and I'm looking forward to tomorrow. We also have 6:30am Zumba for PT tomorrow, but I'm not as excited for that- I've never been really good at Zumba, but I'll put in a solid effort.  

I'm also getting super into the episode of Project Runway that's on right now (they're making outfits out of carnival prizes) so I'm going to leave you with this until next time :)

The Honeymoon Phase

Before we get too far into this week and start getting to REALLY know everyone, I would like to talk about what we are referring to as "The Honeymoon Phase" which basically sums up the fact that we are all excited and happy to be here and have 30+ potential new friends in front of us, and are all willing to play games and sports together and go everywhere together and be a big happy family. We all know this phase will come to an end, but we're also enjoying it while it lasts.

Our first week (2-3 days) was long training sessions and getting used to uniforms, and learning to navigate the kitchen with 20+ bodies in there at once. Our first weekend was exploring the city (bars and restaurants) and various outdoor activities. I've LOVED it. We went to town and there are these murals along the river canal that are gorgeous and show the historical progression of Vicksburg. They're fascinating. I also played my first softball game EVER, and even though I felt silly and nervous that everyone was going to judge me, everyone was at different skill levels and we all cheered each other on, and all competition was lighthearted. We also kept the music playing through the speakers, and it was a very positive experience. And no one kept score! We also have made excellent use of the pool here, which is new to me because even though I have one at home, I never use it and I'm not a huge fan of swimming. But after a game of softball or kickball (which we played on Sunday) in the hot humidity, it feels really nice to swim. I'm also enjoying the feeling that I am active and athletic, because moving around so much feels great and I feel like I'm treating my body really well. We eat well, and the TLs and STLs that do our grocery shopping make really healthy decisions but also keep in mind variety and everyone's dietary needs/preferences. They do a great job. I'm glad that over the weekend we all let our personalities out a little bit more, and they shyness is starting to wear off. I'm still not the best at being open and outgoing, but I'm not going to be and I think I'm doing perfectly fine right now.

I am starting to have a bunch of questions about leading a team and managing a team (they're two different things!) but I have to remind myself that training will cover them, so wait until we get to the lessons and ask at the end which questions I have left. I can't stress about them now, because it won't be useful for anyone. I also need to remember that I have led teams before  and I have plenty of time to better the skills I already have and everything will come together. I need to keep reminding myself that confidence is key, and we keep getting little pointers from various staff members that I will keep in mind because they seem like really sound pieces of advice.

In other news, today was our drivers education course and we had a morning of classroom instruction followed by our road tests. I felt really comfortable driving the 15 passenger van, even though at the beginning I was so nervous that I made myself feel nauseous. Once a couple people drove I was relaxed enough and took my turn, and did well. I was happy. Tomorrow we practice backing up and learning to help others back up, and park the vans and stuff. It might be a little more difficult but I don't feel that it is anything to stress over.

We went out to a Mexican restaurant for dinner tonight I'm looking forward to a relaxing evening and going to sleep early. Happy Honeymoon, folks!

I Made It!

It feels like my plane ride here was a week ago. It was yesterday. I arrived safely and happily, and was met by some wonderful members at the airport. After arriving on campus, in-processing was a lot of paperwork, running back and forth to my room (up a million flights of stairs) and waiting. After getting all of that done, I was able to eat lunch, unpack, and relax. I also got my NCCC uniform yesterday, which sums up to far too many pairs of cargo pants. I had a really nice welcome here and I have been 100% happy and so glad to meet everyone. Everyone so far is really nice and friendly, I love it.

Today was our first training day. Unfortunately, about two hours in, I got a massive migraine and couldn't leave the room to go upstairs and take anything for it, so it had a nice long time to settle in and cause serious pain. We finally got a quick break and I got to take some meds for it, but I was too far into it. So for the next four hours after that, I was fighting to stay focused and conscious. It was a battle, but I won. I'll have to read through my notes and the training materials they gave us again, but I also know the important stuff will be repeated and the uniform stuff we went over is in our handbook. I just have a little homework to do.

We went to a pizza social at the Mississippi River Museum, and the hosts were so nice and really sweet. Everyone was so welcoming. The museum itself was really cool, too. They had a bunch of interactive exhibits which taught me a lot more about rivers and were really cool to see/use. I think I'll go back at least once more, I like museums.

Oh, we also live on the 4th floor, which feels like 6 because the old style building has high ceilings and LOTS of stairs. It's been a day and a half and my thighs/legs are feeling that workout. Not that I'm complaining, I'll be in great shape from climbing those stairs a couple dozen times per day, but wow I definitely feel that workout.

Speaking of workout, tonight we have free time, but I'll be going to bed early. We have our baseline PT test at 6:30am, which means be downstairs at 6:00 and depart in the vans at 6:15. Yuck! Wish me luck!

And sorry for the lack of blogging. There's no wi-fi, so I am in the computer lab- which I really only have time for at the end of the day, and yesterday's excitement was better than sitting by myself writing a blog post :)