Reflection

Being vulnerable and displaying my emotions is something that I got very used to not doing, because I used to do it all the time and I used to cry a lot. I didn't like being seen as weak, so got used to keeping everything in and only letting emotions that display positive energy show on the surface. Since being here, I have let down some of that wall that I've built around my feelings, and some of it has been broken down by external forces. When I first got here, I was really good at maintaining that wall and not letting things show, and I've gotten progressively worse at hiding my feelings. This is positive because other people can see that I am actually human- not a robot- and I do have feelings. However, I don't like being vulnerable and I was really upset with myself for crying in front of my team today.

Today was a very difficult and emotional day. We began with a remembrance of September 11, 2001 in which we watched a video that played media coverage from the day. It was so heartbreaking to relive it, and I had actually seen all of this coverage before. When I was in 5th grade, my teacher heard the news and turned the TV on in the library. The 5th and 6th graders watched it, and I remember one person saying, "That tower is going to collapse in on itself. The steel is strong but when it gets hot, it is going to melt and just fall down." I didn't know how he knew so much about buildings because we were only 5th graders, but it made sense. I still looked at him in horror when we watched it happen on the TV.
We learned that day about World Trade Centers, and what they were. We were taught about the Pentagon. I had never heard of it before that day. We were taught was the word 'terrorist' meant, and I didn't understand why someone or a group of people would target someone or something else. But it made me want to learn more and lit a fire inside of me that got me to where I am today. The September 11, 2001 attacks are the driving force behind my desire and ambition to become a diplomat and work to increase and strengthen relationships between the United States and other countries, nations, and states. I don't know if I've ever told anyone why I got interested in the political world, but now you know.

Anyway, revisiting that at 8:00 this morning was difficult. That video was intense, and with my strong memory it just made me revisit the same feelings that I had 12 years ago. The second video we watched was inspiring, and motivating. It was how 9/11 got turned into a day of service, a day to do good and bring positivity, and spread good deeds throughout the nation. We talked about the things we are going to do this year to bring positivity to our teams and how we want to better society. It was motivating and heartwarming to hear everyone's goals.

My next big emotional wave was during diversity training. If you haven't heard of a privilege walk, I recommend that you turn to your favorite search engine and type it in. It was probably the most difficult exercise I have gone through. We did this during TLT, but it was so much harder during CTI. I really love this activity, but my biggest struggle today was seeing my team spread out, and space being created between each team member over factors that were completely out of our control. I wanted to bring everyone together and let them know that we are going to be a strong team no matter what, and I am here to support them through their struggles and their triumphs, but I couldn't. I just had to keep looking around at them. I felt an insane amount of guilt, because I ended up far more towards the more privileged side than I expected to. I wanted to change it, but I couldn't, and it made me really frustrated that I was separated from my peers. Of course, in the end, we got to sit as a team and talk about the activity, and I got to bring everyone together and have the positive conversations that I wanted, and remind everyone that we are all here. Even if it is for different reasons, we're here together and we will work together to achieve a common goal. And we did find the beauty in the activity, and even though there are both visible and invisible differences, we did find and will continue to find common ground.

Today made me reflect a lot upon my own life. I feel incredibly blessed and thankful. I know that my life was not without struggles and it was not without sacrifice, and my parents have probably made sacrifices that I can't even fathom, and I have had an incredible family that has supported and continues to support me. I am so appreciative of the things that make me who I am. We talked about that today too, what our identifiers are and what we think makes us who we are. I am so grateful for my education, and the house I grew up in, the relationships I've had with family and friends, associations I've had, sports I've played, everything I've been able to do and had access to. I just feel so overwhelmed and fortunate at the same time and I don't know how to put into words the amount of gratitude I feel towards my parents and grandparents, and other family, for being my providers, my supporters, and my encouragement.
But the things that I've been fortunate to have are also the reason why I am here. I started looking into a year of service because I wanted to do something bigger than myself and something that is not for myself and 100% for someone else. I've had many privileges in my life and I have had many things that others don't have, and I don't want to just expect that all the time. I want to realize and learn and understand the hardships that people go through, and after a disaster those can be heavily increased. I've never even experienced a disaster that has taken something away from me. I just want to give back to society and keep paying forward the things that have been handed to me. I want to work harder and I want to feel like I earn the things that I get.

Because this post really came from something deeper within me, I didn't edit it for errors or sentence structure. I want my thoughts and feelings to be portrayed and because I have been dealing with many emotions, I want to keep that atmosphere as real as possible. I know I am being vulnerable and I might not come off as the strongest of people, but I am okay with that. Despite the heavy emotions I went through today, I feel like it was a positive experience and I appreciate everything that happened today. I really enjoyed everything. Even if in the moment I was uncomfortable, I feel like today was a great experience for my team and we all learned from each other. I loved the conversations we shared and the self-reflection and looking deeper into myself part of it all. I am ready to move forward and use the things I learned today to strengthen my relationships within my team, and remember and appreciate the people who got me to where I am right now.

Time.

This past weekend I went to New Orleans, and on our way home we stopped at one of our fellow TL's houses for some home-cooked southern food and good conversation. This house had clocks. A grandmother clock. A mantel clock. A skeleton movement clock. They all made beautiful noises, and they all reminded me of my Dad and my home. But they also reminded me of time.

Time somehow not only manages to slip away from you while here at NCCC, but it also seems to consume you while you're also consuming it. You never have enough, and you're always completely absorbed in it. Time is a strange concept. That's all it is, a perception and a concept. It passes differently to each person and sometimes seems to be moving so slowly, or sometimes too quickly. It's standardized on a clock, but not in our heads. But it's also something people never stop thinking about. I know it never leaves my head. I find myself saying, "I have time." or, "I don't have time."I even say, "I need a minute." or ask, "Do you have a minute?" or, "How much time do I have?" "What time do you want this by?" and "What time should I be there?" come out of my mouth daily. I know I have x amount of minutes before my next scheduled activity or event, and I plan everything, practically down to the second. Perhaps I should try being present in the exact moment I am in, and stop thinking about how much time I have. Because really, all I have is time, and it's going to keep consuming me if I don't try to slow it down and make the most of each moment.

There's an update in the works on my past 25 days. It's been quite the ride, and I just want to let you know that I'm still here.

Frustration. Flexibility. FEMA.

I am FEMA Flexible. I am FEMA Flexible. I am FEMA Flexible. I am FEMA Flexible. I. AM. FEMA. FLEXIBLE. 

If I say it enough, it'll be true, right?

More like if I type it enough, it starts to look like a foreign word. Anyway, yesterday was our first interaction with FEMA. We went to Baton Rouge, LA to the FEMA JFO (Joint Field Office) for our equipment issuing. Each person received (or was supposed to receive) a Smartphone (AT&T Blackberry), a Laptop (Dell), and a little thing that connects us securely to Wi-Fi. We all waited in a room and went in two at a time and got our equipment. Then we were sent to another room to get everything activated, registered, and set up. After waiting for over an hour and a half, probably closer to two, and being back in forth on the phone with the helpdesk company and getting new passwords, someone finally listened to me that I couldn't log in to my computer. It turns out that it was a network issue where I was sitting, and nothing to do with the passwording that they told me was the problem. The only reason that this was frustrating was because it happened to someone who was sitting a couple places away from me and they moved him to a new location and got him going. As I was sitting there watching other people finish all of the processes, I wasn't even close to starting. My biggest fear at that point was that everyone was going to be waiting for me at the end, tired and hungry, and I wouldn't be able to leave yet so they'd be waiting on me. This ended up being mostly true. I don't feel like explaining all of the problems individually, especially since it will make me re-live the stresses of it all, but it shouldn't have taken 5 hours to complete these tasks. I actually still haven't finished, because I couldn't get my Wi-Fi connector set up with my computer and we had to leave. I'll sit down over the weekend and try again. It was extremely difficult to stay composed and calm, but I definitely shut down for a while and didn't want to talk to anyone. I'm not really proud of the fact that I let my frustration take over but I also didn't have anywhere to direct it. I feel like that might happen again and I need to handle it differently next time. However, when we go through and do this with our corps members, I am going to go back with the attitude that it is a different day and there is potential that they took the time to work out the kinks.

I would also like to mention that Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays are our PT days. Since we left at 5:30am, we didn't do morning PT, so we were supposed to do it when we returned. We got back at 8pm. Hats off to those who played basketball in the sweltering gym, but I wasn't about to push myself any harder. Nicole guided me through an outstanding yoga session, which felt great on my body and my mind. I felt so much better and it was a perfect way to release all of the negative energy from the day. I hope to keep up with it a little bit, because it was incredibly healing and refreshing. 

Now after that, lets get positive. Today was supervisor training, which we will continue tomorrow. We had an amazing instructor and I loved everything he had to say and everything he taught us. It wasn't only good advice and information and tools for being a team leader, but they are things that can be used anywhere in life. If you have 20 minutes, watch this video here, I think that these lessons will stick with me. It is a Ted Talk video, which I already love and I hadn't seen this one before. I highly recommend that you check it out. We learned a lot about situational leadership and adapting our leadership styles. I'll do a full update after its all over but I really enjoyed it and I'm looking forward to tomorrow. We also have 6:30am Zumba for PT tomorrow, but I'm not as excited for that- I've never been really good at Zumba, but I'll put in a solid effort.  

I'm also getting super into the episode of Project Runway that's on right now (they're making outfits out of carnival prizes) so I'm going to leave you with this until next time :)

The Honeymoon Phase

Before we get too far into this week and start getting to REALLY know everyone, I would like to talk about what we are referring to as "The Honeymoon Phase" which basically sums up the fact that we are all excited and happy to be here and have 30+ potential new friends in front of us, and are all willing to play games and sports together and go everywhere together and be a big happy family. We all know this phase will come to an end, but we're also enjoying it while it lasts.

Our first week (2-3 days) was long training sessions and getting used to uniforms, and learning to navigate the kitchen with 20+ bodies in there at once. Our first weekend was exploring the city (bars and restaurants) and various outdoor activities. I've LOVED it. We went to town and there are these murals along the river canal that are gorgeous and show the historical progression of Vicksburg. They're fascinating. I also played my first softball game EVER, and even though I felt silly and nervous that everyone was going to judge me, everyone was at different skill levels and we all cheered each other on, and all competition was lighthearted. We also kept the music playing through the speakers, and it was a very positive experience. And no one kept score! We also have made excellent use of the pool here, which is new to me because even though I have one at home, I never use it and I'm not a huge fan of swimming. But after a game of softball or kickball (which we played on Sunday) in the hot humidity, it feels really nice to swim. I'm also enjoying the feeling that I am active and athletic, because moving around so much feels great and I feel like I'm treating my body really well. We eat well, and the TLs and STLs that do our grocery shopping make really healthy decisions but also keep in mind variety and everyone's dietary needs/preferences. They do a great job. I'm glad that over the weekend we all let our personalities out a little bit more, and they shyness is starting to wear off. I'm still not the best at being open and outgoing, but I'm not going to be and I think I'm doing perfectly fine right now.

I am starting to have a bunch of questions about leading a team and managing a team (they're two different things!) but I have to remind myself that training will cover them, so wait until we get to the lessons and ask at the end which questions I have left. I can't stress about them now, because it won't be useful for anyone. I also need to remember that I have led teams before  and I have plenty of time to better the skills I already have and everything will come together. I need to keep reminding myself that confidence is key, and we keep getting little pointers from various staff members that I will keep in mind because they seem like really sound pieces of advice.

In other news, today was our drivers education course and we had a morning of classroom instruction followed by our road tests. I felt really comfortable driving the 15 passenger van, even though at the beginning I was so nervous that I made myself feel nauseous. Once a couple people drove I was relaxed enough and took my turn, and did well. I was happy. Tomorrow we practice backing up and learning to help others back up, and park the vans and stuff. It might be a little more difficult but I don't feel that it is anything to stress over.

We went out to a Mexican restaurant for dinner tonight I'm looking forward to a relaxing evening and going to sleep early. Happy Honeymoon, folks!

I Made It!

It feels like my plane ride here was a week ago. It was yesterday. I arrived safely and happily, and was met by some wonderful members at the airport. After arriving on campus, in-processing was a lot of paperwork, running back and forth to my room (up a million flights of stairs) and waiting. After getting all of that done, I was able to eat lunch, unpack, and relax. I also got my NCCC uniform yesterday, which sums up to far too many pairs of cargo pants. I had a really nice welcome here and I have been 100% happy and so glad to meet everyone. Everyone so far is really nice and friendly, I love it.

Today was our first training day. Unfortunately, about two hours in, I got a massive migraine and couldn't leave the room to go upstairs and take anything for it, so it had a nice long time to settle in and cause serious pain. We finally got a quick break and I got to take some meds for it, but I was too far into it. So for the next four hours after that, I was fighting to stay focused and conscious. It was a battle, but I won. I'll have to read through my notes and the training materials they gave us again, but I also know the important stuff will be repeated and the uniform stuff we went over is in our handbook. I just have a little homework to do.

We went to a pizza social at the Mississippi River Museum, and the hosts were so nice and really sweet. Everyone was so welcoming. The museum itself was really cool, too. They had a bunch of interactive exhibits which taught me a lot more about rivers and were really cool to see/use. I think I'll go back at least once more, I like museums.

Oh, we also live on the 4th floor, which feels like 6 because the old style building has high ceilings and LOTS of stairs. It's been a day and a half and my thighs/legs are feeling that workout. Not that I'm complaining, I'll be in great shape from climbing those stairs a couple dozen times per day, but wow I definitely feel that workout.

Speaking of workout, tonight we have free time, but I'll be going to bed early. We have our baseline PT test at 6:30am, which means be downstairs at 6:00 and depart in the vans at 6:15. Yuck! Wish me luck!

And sorry for the lack of blogging. There's no wi-fi, so I am in the computer lab- which I really only have time for at the end of the day, and yesterday's excitement was better than sitting by myself writing a blog post :)

It's a waiting game

There's a lot racing through my mind while I wait for my travel information to arrive (hopefully within the next week) but there's still not a whole lot I can do right now. It's too early to pack, but it seems too close to sit around and wait some more. On Tuesday, we had a conference call with the campus staff and all of the Team Leaders that I'll be working with when I get to Vicksburg. They call us, the TL staff, Team Green (because we wear green shirts). Our conference call addressed mostly things I had read about already, but still didn't answer what to pack. I don't know if I'm actually nervous about that or if I am just worried I'll want something that I leave behind. Luckily I had a great conversation with a fellow TL who also served last year, so she had a lot of advice and relaxed me about the packing process. Maybe I just hate packing :o)
I've also started making a list of things I need to buy before I leave. It's a bunch of random odds and ends that I wouldn't necessarily notice I was missing until I realized I needed it, like a black or grey long-sleeved shirt for layering under my uniform if I get cold. I really want to start packing, but I feel like I'll have to wear most of my clothes before I go, and having them in a suitcase wouldn't be very helpful. I think I'm just getting anxious and I'm definitely ready for July 24 to arrive.

If you'd like to learn a little more about FEMA, check out their website here.
If you're interested in learning about national service with AmeriCorps, visit this page. (this will bring you to the FEMA Corps section of the site, but you can navigate to other AmeriCorps programs from here).

It's been a while!

Well, it's been quite a long time since I've updated but that's also because it's been quite a long time since I've had any updates from NCCC. I got my welcome packet and all of my forms sent in and cleared, so it's a waiting game. But the news I got today is that I'll be waiting just a little bit longer. Our arrival date got pushed from the 17th to the 24th, so I have an extra week. As much as I am anxious to get to Vicksburg, I am also pleased that I'll have an extra week to pack, and try to get all of my things together. I'm happy that I won't be rushed, and I also won't have to be gone for my mom's birthday. It's been a crazy time at home, I've had relatives in my house since I came home from college on my graduation day (May 11) so I haven't really taken the time to get the things I need to bring with me and pack up all of my stuff for safekeeping here. I'm glad I'll be able to do that without stressing over it. I'm also hoping to go visit a few friends in Boston before I go and I'm glad to have time for that, too. I don't have much else to update, but it's game 1 of the Stanley Cup Finals so I'm cutting this off :) GO BRUINS!